» I went to the Village on Saturday with my friend, Stash, and she took some awesome pictures. Will share those as soon as I have the time to crop & code. We went shopping at Urban Outfitter’s and I bought myself a pair of Skippy’s for a mere $18.

» Got to talking to a childhood friend back from the Bronx and I’m starting to think he might have feelings for me … but I’m not too sure. He’s the type to hide all that stuff in fear of being hurt. I’m pretty positive that I don’t see him in that way, as I’m too preoccupied with school and work, but you never know.

» Missed two Greek quizzes that I will be studying for tonight!

» Tried a delicious Eggplant, Tomato, & Mozzarella Panini. God, it was like heaven. Healthy Heaven. A heaven where only the toughest of vegetables and cheese can survive ..

» Ordered three books online, expecting them in the next few weeks. Burning Bright by Tracy Chevalier, Wideacre by Philippa Gregory, and The Favored Child by Philippa Gregory. She wrote the Other Boleyn Girl, so the other two novels should be interesting. Tracy Chevalier is actually my favorite novelist to date, but she shares the top spot with James Patterson of course.

» My mother is beginning to be strangely nice to me … quite the predicament, seeing as I’ve sworn to loathe her and my brother for all eternity. Might as well change that.

» Beginning a new short story and have begun the self-abhorring process of outlining. My notes are scattered everywhere and I’m sure I’ll be crying just looking for them. Will summarize the short story when my mind has free space to think. It’s currently busy trying to weasel me out of four absences in Maths. Oh, yes, note to self: make a doctor’s appointment and beg said doctor to shell out four excuse letters dripping with woes of my sicknesses.

» Still haven’t spoken to J - he wasn’t in class today. I’m starting to think this whole thing was a figment of my imagination .. does J even exist?! Oh, what dramatic irony that would be.

» Spoke to A about her lack of presence when I needed her and all is settled. Let’s hope it doesn’t occur again, as I’m easy to dismiss people from my life.

» I’m slowly dying of stress and lack of proper sleep. I’m sure my eye-bags have been promoted to eye-continents, as I’ve been looking quite haggard. Even the cleverest make-up could not fix such a dent in my face.

» Also, all appointments to register for classes next year have been filled up, which leaves me to dwindle in my own demise. I must, must, MUST speak to an advisor about changing my major and figuring out the correct coursework, or I would be finding myself homeless in the streets of Amsterdam with nothing but my soul and my notebook of endless stories. (Note to self: will most likely happen anyway if I finish school and become a writer.)

Hope you all are doing lovely! I’ll be sure to comment as soon as I can. For now, I obnoxiously throw all my love at you.

Well, he walled me (LOL) today on fbook & we’ve been talking through comments so far! Thought I had to share, considering my lack of confidence when it came to him and starting a conversation.

An amazing turn in events as my days have been horrible, but this definitely makes up for it! Also rekindled a friendship with an elementary school friend from when I lived in the Bronx. Turns out there could be something there, too.

Winter & fall were always my seasons for boys!

Woo hoo!

Love, love.

Anyway, one costume that blew my mind was Heidi Klum’s. She was decked out in a gorgeous imitation of a Hindu goddess.

Isn’t that insane? I’m pretty sure I’d be just as creative if I had the financial means to ever pull something like that off!

Anyway, my halloween wasn’t that bad. The day started off all right—got ready to go to two parties that night. But, as I was getting ready, my brother came into my room and asked if he could borrow my clothes for a costume. Of course I said no! My clothing isn’t something to be worn on halloween. If I had some of those “ugly, big, do anything you want with them” t-shirts, I would’ve given it to him. He pushed it A LOT and I just kept saying no—I just had really nice clothes and I did not want any girl juice or alcohol on them!

He got angry. Said he wouldn’t leave my room unless I gave him clothes. Then he proceeded to insult me and my clothing and had the nerve to call me selfish. Then he did his “make Syden feel like absolute shit” rant, but I wasnt fazed. I ordered him to leave sternly.

Then he got in my face and screamed, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO? NOTHING. YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING.” And he continued with this false tough guy image and said, “You’re lucky I don’t punch you in the face right now—you’re fucking lucky I don’t send girls to jump you.”

Send girls to jump me? Baby cakes, we’re not in the sixth grade anymore. Send all the girls you want—let me see ANYONE try to beat me up.

I touched his arm and led him to the door, and he pushed me back into my desk. I tried to push him out again and he elbowed me into my desk once more. He got pretty violent—pushing himself back into my room and demanding I give him clothes because I was his “sister” and I should do things for him because he “drives” me everywhere.

Oh, I’m sorry, did you drive me somewhere when you LEFT ME at Chipotle’s the other day, you fucking asshole?!

I started crying and he sneered, “Stop fucking crying, I don’t want to see you crying. I don’t care.”

He called my sister right after and ranted to her about how I wasn’t part of the family & how I wasn’t his real sister. I just sobbed in my room for that whole afternoon and listened.

He said some things about me always being “by myself” and how I never do anything with them and how I never “back him up” or some stupid shit like.

I agree with that. I like solitude. I like being on my own. I don’t depend on others to do things for me—nor do I need someone to be with me when I make decisions. I’m used to doing things on my own. I am not like my brother or sister. I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t plan to have one for a long time. Boyfriends are trouble and I don’t need trouble. I’m not constantly going to parties or being with friends. I don’t dress to impress—I dress for me and me alone. I’m not obsessed with being popular or achieving popularity. I’m in college, not in high school, and for me to go out of my way to “know” everyone is just plain stupid.

I cherish the friends I have—many or few. I strive to do good in school, I’m more focused on keeping/getting a job. I’d like to earn my own money, own my own things, and have my own life. Sure, this may sound like I don’t want to be apart of my family, but I do—I just don’t want people to judge me by them.

My brother and sister are superficial. They like to flaunt their clothing, their “hip” way of speaking, and their “wonderful” significant others … who honestly, aren’t so wonderful. They think they’ve reached success simply by having people swimming aimlessly around them.

To summarize, I’m going to quote my Mama Jana (aunt), who made the most perfect sense of all this. She lives in the basement apartment and I’m closest to her. She told me, “Every time I see your brother, I never say hello. I will wait for him to say hello to me because he is unpredictable. His mood in unpredictable. Same with your sister. But, you, I will always say hello to you, because you are different.”

So, basically, I spent the whole day sobbing and hyperventilating. I called E and she stayed with me on the phone—giving me breathing exercises and just saying all the right things. After talking to her, I realized that I needed a friend just to be there, next to me, even for just a little. So, I texted A and was sure she would come to help me in my time of need. She replied with, “Sy, I can’t. I just can’t. I’m with J and L and we’re about to meet up with some people.”

I couldn’t believe it at that point—was my “best friend” really going to continue with her hanging out when she knew I really needed her? I go through a lot, but this was the point where, if I didn’t have anyone, I would consider things that shouldn’t be considered. I’m ashamed to say it, but when I’m sobbing and not in my right state of my mind, I contemplate suicide and I contemplate doing stupid things.

I texted back and told her that I thought she would come to help me. And that to have fun on her night. And she said, “I’m sorry, Sy.”

Yeah. I’m sorry, too.

I’m happy this happened, because now I know who to depend on and who not to. My friend who lived in another state stayed with me on the phone—dropped all the things she was doing in Maryland, and talked to me—soothed me. A friend who lived in my same town couldn’t trouble herself to stop by—make sure I was okay, tell me that everything will be all right—and went on her merry way.

Well, what are you going to do? I’m just a friend when I have a car with me.

BTW:

Bought some amazing things today, will edit this post with pictures when I have the time.

Love, love.

I understand that there are moments where you’re crouching on the ground, holding yourself tight, wishing and pleading for things to get better and never knowing for sure that they will.

I remember these days and they come too often than I’d like, though, I’ve been told countless times that I am too strong to linger on them. It was such an honor—to be called strong in the face of something so much bigger than I.

I would lie if I said that I got along with my family, but then again, who doesn’t? But today challenged my heart in a way that made me, again, think of turning to suicide. (Pause to think about how strange and alien that sentence sounds.) It sounds stupid and it is. Suicide is stupid. I’ve tried in the past and I’m glad to say these were just attempts—nothing serious and nothing life-threatening.

I made it my mission to try and convince my mother that I was her child, but it’s been nineteen years and I still haven’t succeeded. When does it end? How did it start? How did she come to resent me and be quick to judge me in the time of need? I never understood why she was like this and I cried many nights wondering why, but maybe there is no answer. Maybe I’m doomed to be treated in such a way. I don’t mind, however, I’m used it.

My brother picked me up from classes today. (Mind you, he uses MY car to go to his school, so he can hang out with his friends, pick me up, pick my sister, etc ..) I let him use it because I don’t use it often. I don’t have free parking at my school, therefore, I don’t have a place to park my car. Letting him use my car was my way of saying, “Sure, you can use it, just take me where I need to go.”

Anyway, he picked me up as usual and we decided to eat lunch at Chipotle. We get there and he’s like, “You’re paying for me, right?” I groan, knowing that I had hardly any money and my last paycheck had bounced and was deducted from my account. I said, “No, I can’t, I don’t have money. Don’t you have money?” He was there to buy some sort of pillow thing to give to his new girlfriend for their first month anniversary. (Yes, it’s ridiculous. I don’t like to celebrate anniversaries by month with gifts. An acknowledgment is enough.)

He said no and that if I didn’t pay for him, then he would leave me there at Chipotle.

He did.

And what sucked even harder was that I ended up getting him what he wanted anyway because I felt bad by the time I reached the counter. Stupid move.

Anyway, I called my mother to let her know what the hell was going on and she said, “Stop calling me. I will not pick you up anywhere. Stop calling me and stop asking your aunt to take you home. No one is picking you up.”

… She hung up on me and I couldn’t believe what was going on.

My brother kept texting me after that saying things like:

“I take you everywhere and you can’t even buy me lunch? I’m not taking you home. Fuck you. Eat what you bought me, I’m pretty sure your fatass is still hungry. Haha, you’re pathetic—all your friends left you. No one likes you. No one will even date you. Look at you. Look at yourself. Don’t fuck with me—you don’t know who you’re messing me. I’ll rip that lip ring right out of your mouth. You’re pathetic, calling our uncle to pick you up? I already talked to mom. See you at home!”

I was in the store next door when I started crying. So embarrassing, but I couldn’t help myself. I rushed out feeling stupid as they stared at me. I cried on a bench outside and called up E. She was great and made me laugh. My aunt and uncle came to get me and I ran into the car. My uncle said something funny and I just wasn’t in the mood, so I sobbed. The car got quiet and I knew they pitied me.

It’s heart-breaking, isn’t it? Having them pity me because my mother told them NOT to pick me up and leave me there. Having them pity me because my own brother left me because I couldn’t afford to get him a burrito.

I cried for everything. I cried for all the things they had ever done to me. I cried for how horrible I felt. I cried for the way my life turned out. I cried for the tattoo I wanted that said, “Always family“. I cried. And I didn’t stop. I haven’t stopped.

My mother hasn’t talked to me—out of guilt or out of pride.

My brother came into my room, gave me a half-assed hug and apologized like it was nothing.

My guard is down. My barrier is broken. And I’m so prone to breaking down over anything right now that I can’t even leave my room.

Yes, this post is depressing and yes, I sound like I’m giving up.

But, after all this bull shit, and all this destroying of my soul, I realize that I’m grateful. I recall telling Tino something about not believing in God anymore because there was nothing he did that helped me. I’m living. I’m breathing. And I’m grateful. I thank God for all of that I can do and although I endure all this almost every day, it’s this strength he gave me that keeps me going. I could’ve given up a long time ago—suicide, running away, revenge—but I can’t and I won’t. Because it’s all about forgiveness and even though my heart is still bleeding from what they did, I still have the heart to forgive.

Love, love.

J: *taking off jacket* (PS: TOTALLY swooned as he did) Man, it’s really hot in here today.
Me: Yeah … it really is. (Notice my lack of conversing skills. This is me being a chickenshit and nervous)
J: I’m pretty sure I’m going to hate this heat in about fifteen minutes.
Me: Yeah .. it’s going to get really stuffy here. (At this point, I completely forgot I was talking to him and realized that HELL YEAH it was going to get to hell temperature in only a few seconds. I could feel the sweat beads forming on my forehead. Where’s a napkin when you need one!?)
J: *sits down* (He’s sitting so that he’s facing me and forward .. I got awkward because we weren’t talking .. so I said ..)
Me: Wow, did you die your shoelaces yourself? (So, yeah, I panicked and said that first thing that popped into my head. And then after I said it .. I died a little inside and cursed the gods of all that was love.)
J: Yeah, I did. *looks at his shoes* (Yup, totally thinks I’m an idiot now and is wondering why on earth he’s talking to me ..)
Me: With like .. a high lighter? (DOUBLE whammy—someone shoot me now? Please? Just do it. Put me out of my misery!)
J: *laughs* Actually, with a spray paint.
Me: What?! Really? (I’m actually a little intrigued here .. conversation is taking a great turn.)
J: Yeah, but you know how hard it is finding the colors .. I mean ..
M: *walks into class* Hey, Syden! Oh, MAN, it’s hot in here.
Me: Hey, M … (Fuck me. I like this girl, but UGH—I felt like tearing her apart and feeding her to the rabid chickens down south.)
End of convo.

Anyhoo. During class, he kept falling asleep. LOL. I was texting A and she told to me wake him up gently and say, “Wake up, sleeping beauty.” I didn’t in fear of being ridiculed and dubbed the stalker of the class. He did keep turning around though. He did this hair flip thing (WHICH I LOVE) and kept turning to look at me. It was probably my imagination. And the unbelievable heat that consumed my entire body. I was soaked by the time I got outside.

It’s depressing when all my posts are filled with boys. But, hey, what else can keep me entertained for more than five minutes?

Oh, btw! I’m taking a step further into my oblivion and am going to add him on facebook. We’ll see if I ever get the guts to do more.

Wish me luck!

Oh, on the other side of things:

Work: is doing great! Love the family and love the kids.
School: gets worse and worse. Doing good in some classes, doing bad in others. I think I made a boo-boo and didn’t pay attention in English due to J’s undeniably amazing presence.
Family: Great! The mother hen is actually being quite nice to me. Great turn of events. I must quickly take advantage of this temporary situtation.
Friends: perfect! Going to be seeing a few of them this weekend. Seeing A tomorrow for an impromptu ‘clean my clothes so I have things to wear’ & ‘drink copious amounts of coffee to sustain consciousness’ day!

Love, love.

I was just so hopeful because he was so sweet and nice and ugh. I guess I misinterpreted all those signals? I don’t know. I feel like I’ve been out of this freakin’ loop—men are so confusing. Oh, I’m sorry, scratch that—BOYS are so confusing.

J is this cute, fun, and really chill kid and it’s a definite shame that he’s taken. But, she must be a great girl—cos the dude deserves that at least. Ugh. He deserves me—LOL.

I don’t know, I guess J and I can be friends. We’ll see.

I’m off to fetch another man—I’ve been loving guys as eye candy lately.

(PS: Honestly, I am a little heartbroken. I liked him a lot ..)

Love, love.

UPDATE!
Apparently, he DOES NOT have a girlfriend. His myspace says one thing and his facebook another … I think I screamed for joy when I saw his facebook. Though, I should ask him myself, shouldn’t I? Then again, I’m a chickenshit and would never have the guts to do that. LOL.

I need some serious help. (And maybe a little therapy, but hey, I’ll pretend I’m normal for a little.)

I have the biggest (and most immature) crush on this guy in my English. We’ll call him .. J for now.

Anyway, J and I spoke about three words to each other since class began, until we went to this writing workshop. I didn’t have classes at all that day—it was last Friday to be exact—so I came in just for the lecture.

I got all dolled up hoping he would go at the time I would (there were about four lectures to accommodate everyone’s schedule). I got into the building and entered the lecture room, but as I was getting inside, he was leaving. We said a hello and I was so disappointed when I got in. A few of my classmates were sitting already, so I sat behind them. I didn’t want to be bothered much.

Then, as if from nowhere, J comes walking in—I looked at him thinking, “Um, did you not just leave?” He came up to where I was and SAT RIGHT NEXT TO ME. He said, “I was going to leave, but I saw that you came in, and I don’t really know anyone else here.” I think my inner soul leapt for joy and danced a giddy dance in my chest! We got to talking and I discovered that he hung around my town a lot and he’s friends with the kids I graduated with. He skates .. which sucks, because I’m horrendous at it.

It was just so .. surreal.

Anyhoo, the lecture ended and we left—we walked out together, but he had another class, so we parted ways. I was too excited to care, so I went off and called A (my bestest!) and told her all about the craziness that was that one hour and fifteen minutes.

So, today in class—Wednesday—we had into groups. My professor is obsessed with groups. Me thinks she just does it so we can scramble together in tight little circles. Well, he ended up being in my group and he dragged his desk on over next to mine … we all got to talking and somehow M (my classmate) said something about his shoes. She said she liked the colors and we talked about our favorites. Turns out he and I love the color green! *DIES*

I don’t know what to do! My semester ends in two months and I don’t think I could muster enough guts to ever say anything remotely suave to him.

Is there anyway to figure out if he’s into me? I mean, I don’t mind if he isn’t. I would just love to hang out with him! He’s so chill and calm and relaxed. I’m pretty sure we’d have fun hanging out. BUT—I do not mind, at all, if he did have an interest in me.

I hate boys.

Will definitely comment everyone soon! A new layout should be coming up sometime this or next week. Probably another complete revamp.

Debating whether or not to upgrade to wordpress, but I think I’ll stick to FanUpdate to be safe for a while until I’m completely able in wordpress.

Lots of stories coming:

- A reconnection with an old friend
- Insane stories about spirits and the Oujia board
- Rob coming down to visit me for a day/night! (Yes, Tino, I called you Rob. I might as well start!)
- New job
- New crush in my Writing class .. adore him!
- And new shopping items I must share with you!

Love, love.

Anyway, I spent my Tuesday with Amanda and Laura and I’ve never had so much fun! We went out for coffee, talked a little, and we got chased down by the police—ON FOOT. Yes, that’s right. We were sitting at a park around midnight and we were just talking and calling some people. Amanda’s crush, Tony, had called me and we all freaked out and started running .. and that’s when the cop car turned the corner. I got so scared that I just turned and ran the other way, LOL. How stupid was that? Idiot move of mine. He got us at the exit and shined that obnoxious light in our faces like we committed a serious crime. I stopped short and was so out of breath. I’d never run that fast in my life. (”What are you guys doing?” he asked us. “We were just cutting through the park to get to our car,” I answered, almost naturally.) He let us through and said that the park was closed and not to come back.

Above is actually right before we got into the park. We were walking. Don’t they look happy? LOL. Amanda on the left and Laura of the right. Blackberries have great flash! It was super dark out!

Anyhoo, we met up with some guys that were friends were Amanda and Laura .. super random, however. They were kinda just .. hanging out in a golf parking lot and I felt really out of place. They were those stereotypical wangstas with the ghetto accents and the passion for pot. You know what I’m talking about!

This was right before Laura made a crazy, sharp turn onto a main street. I whipped out my Blackberry and took some pictures of us .. don’t we just look haggard fabulous? LOL. Poor Amanda was hardly in the picture, but she was there in gorgeous spirit!

While we were picking up Stephie (Amanda’s younger sister) at the HS, Laura had to pee .. and the only open bathroom was the men’s room—so hey, WE WENT! She did her business and we were off .. except .. later in the night, we realized that she had left her phone in the faculty men’s room and we had planned to break into the high school. We didn’t, though, because a very gorgeous janitor (ugh, to DIE for) went into the building and got it for us!

Pictures of the urinals, LOL, and of Amanda and Laura, and a random mirror picture of me and Laura in the men’s bathroom!

I also caught up with Kristine—she’s an absolute sweetheart and back in high school, we were all dance babies. It was really fun and I really miss it all ..

In the bandroom of the HS—really hot in there. It was ridiculous! It was good having a throwback picture moment. I’ll try to find the old picture somewhere in my files.

Ugh. Work the next day was horrible. I left my headlights on and the battery went dead so I ended up calling AAA and had to wait an hour for them to come. The guy was a little rude .. but hey, who would be chipper at midnight? He gave me a quick jumpstart and I was good.

My Nissan on the right and the AAA truck to the left.

That’s the girls above after out long, long night.

Another wonderful night from last night after the cut!

Last night, we decided to go over to Hoboken and have dinner—(Me, Amanda, Laura, Jessica)—and it was a great success. We took the train over and it was SO much fun! Amanda’s dad was really sweet and lent us his MetroCard for the night so we didn’t have to pay for the train at all.

Above is the girls waiting at the train station. LOL at Jess, she really had to pee, so she’s crouching to stop the madness over there. Another picture of Me, Jess, and Amanda in the car. Don’t you love my angling skills? That’s beast right there. We had some coldstone after dinner .. and that’s me .. looking like the beast master. LOL.

We went to a Thai restaurant called Bangkok City .. tell me that name isn’t just perfect. I had the Honey Duck … mmmm, I want it now. It was decadent and scrumptious and .. orgasmic. I also got Laura hooked on Thai Iced Teas .. which yum yum yum. There was a gay couple on a date and I squealed a lot. How cute is that?!

Amanda wearing a mustache .. she was trying to be Hitler .. or some sort of Nazi.

After all that, we drove around and decided to go down to Old Bridge to visit some kid named Chris. I didn’t like his friends. They littered. I liked two of his friends! They were nice. One girl was really sweet.

Above is us hanging out at Chris’ Tiki Hut .. it was this pretty decent-sized back house that was a really awesome chill zone.

And I’m done writing .. LOL .. so I’ve shamelessly spammed you with pictures. I am off to write my English paper.

Love, love!

Doesn’t that just look divine? Those were the dinner boxes—served with loads of shrimp and veggie tempura, a choice of terikyaki (salmon, chicken, beef, shrimp), a California roll, shumai, and rice. It also came with Miso soup and salad. Oh, gosh, was the sushi delicious. I ordered a Shrimp Tempura Roll before my entree and—OH MY GOD - it was to die for. I’ve never eaten so well before, especially Japanese! And the prices were wonderful! For the box dinner—I didn’t even finish it—it was under $20.

If anyone is in the Northern New Jersey area, then please stop by at Aki—it’s in Bloomfield, NJ—on Broad Street. I’m pretty sure you can googlemap that! That was a little shameless plug, but I must spread the word. This food is too good to pass up. The service was great and the people were very sweet. Atmosphere is also very calming and absolutely relaxing.

Jann and Rhianna were having a wonderful time! LOL, didn’t get to have a picture of my mom and Olga, but it’s okay! They were busy gobbling the decadence that is Japanese food.

After dinner, we went over to Coldstone and pretty much gobbled some more loveliness. I had the Birthday Cake Remix—which is code for ‘Orgasm in My Mouth’ … mmmm.

ALSO: I just found out that I got a 99.75 on my Greek exam! I don’t get why she couldn’t just give me a 100! But, hey, that’s JUST as amazing and I’m so happy I studied. Studying does pay off.

I’m planning on getting Ugg Esters in Chestnut .. what do you guys think? Winter is coming up and I love the look of moccasins! So comfortable and warm. Oh, how I adore Uggs.

With an exposed fleece detailing, the Ester is a simple slipper with a little feminine look. Made with quality twin-faced sheepskin and suede, this style is extremely comfortable. Finished with a molded rubber outsole, the Ester can be worn indoors and outdoors.

LOVE IT!

Anyway, I got out of work early today, which is wonderful. I’m getting tired of being there every day and I’m really close to quitting. I’ll have to figure out what I’ll do and apply for jobs now if I want to transition properly with money still in my pocket.

As you can see, I completely revamped the site—made a layout—from scratch! Haha, first time I’ve ever done that for my own site and I’m quite proud. I’m still in the process of adding a few sections and fixing everything, but things should be in working order. If not, email me or use the contact form and let me know what’s up!

This is an old picture of me and my favorite cousin, John Dylan! His birthday is coming up and I wanted to dedicate a post to him. He’s turning eleven … or ten. I forgot. Haha, he grows up fast. But, anyhoo, he’ll be getting dates and girlfriends and giving wedgies (do kids still do that?) in no time.

Haven’t gotten a chance to wear my new, gorgeous Ugg boots yet. Got them in Classic Tall - color is Sand. Hopefully, the weather gets a bit cooler. I don’t want to wear Uggs and have my feet sweating uncontrollably (imagine walking around with soggy toes? ugh!).

Planning on getting some MAC pigment samples sometime this week. I’ll see which distributor has the best shades and prices. There a lot of creeps out there selling fake samples! It’s weird. Fake samples? WHY?!

Anyway, will add more brushes and so later on … I’m too lazy now. Blegh.

No class tomorrow! HOORAH!

EDIT EDIT EDIT !!!

I had to add this in. I get frequent emails from Sephora about new make-up and usually, I don’t get too excited about most of them, but AAHH! I have been waiting for this for forever! It’s utter brilliance and I will buy it! NOW!

The gorgeousness that is above is BAKED make-up. Snatched the description from the website—it’s below:

What it does:
Balance-N-Brighten is a color-corrective powder foundation—a blendable swirl of warm neutral tans and creams for buildable coverage and a finish that is sheer, smooth, and delicate. Bronze-N-Brighten is a versatile product, adapting from bronzer to blush, eye shadow to eyeliner, and even eyebrow color. Its rich tones of bronze and rose, swirled together, create a radiant glow. Blush-N-Brighten in Berry contains sheer, natural swirls of pink, berry, cream, and gold, which imparts the glow of good health.

What else you need to know:
Starting out as swirls of liquid, color-corrective pigments, these pressed powders are then poured onto terra cotta pans and baked for 24 hours. Each one has the capacity to self-adjust to your skin tone, bringing just the right amount of complexion-brightening pigment to bronze, brighten, or blush. All are made in Italy, and are ideal for any skin type. Set includes three 0.06 baked powders and a compact kabuki brush with case.

Anyway, I’m thinking of quitting my job. I’m not sure I want to continue being Jordan’s babysitter. Don’t get me wrong; she’s a wonderful little girl to take care of and the money isn’t too bad each week, but I can’t take the constant intimidation that I get from my boss. She’s nice, but she terrifies me. I feel like if I do one bag thing, BAM, I’m fired for good. She told me that I should start bringing my dinners each day/night I’m at work. I wake up at 10am in the morning, get dressed, don’t have time to eat, go to classes, then go right to work. Do you see any times for me to sit down and make fucking dinner for myself? I don’t think so.

I get disgustingly hungry when I get to work, so I eat whatever is in the fridge—which is usually leftovers from the day before. She cooks for two, which I understand, she doesn’t have to cook for me, but seriously, what else am I to do? Go out and buy food for myself? Order in? That’s a waste of money—doing that every day, when I have a perfectly great dinner at home—which I can’t eat, because, heck, I’m at work!

She also has this weird way to pay me, which is upsetting. I only make $11 an hour—and I wait for her at the bus stop, give her snacks, help her with her homework, drive her to her lessons (which is almost every day—and I don’t receive a gas reimbursement), clean up her mess, clean up the living, walk the dog, do the dishes, empty the trash, clean the kitchen … it’s a whole lot of cleaning.

I can get another job in a second—that’s no problem—I’ve always been good with finding jobs.

And the hours—geez. Can you imagine working Tuesdays to Saturdays from 3:45 to 11:00? And then having to study afterwards to the next class at 11am? It’s ridiculous .. and it’s too much.

Wow, this blog was dedicated to me hating my job—lol—sorry about that. I’m just so stressed.

The friendship train isn’t doing so good either. Tino’s up at STAC and he’s enjoying it—and I feel like I would bother him if I called or texted. Erika is .. well, I make an effort, but I’m tired of trying. Everyone is busy with classes and it’s understandable.

Anyhoo, I must dash and study up! Need an A+ on that exam.

Love, love!

There have been a lot of complaints (articles, magazines, newspapers, blogs, etc.!) about some Americans that have decided not to vote. I’m actually one of them. Of course, this may sound stupid to you, though it is my decision and my right to vote or not. Personally, I am not satisfied with either of the candidates and feel that by voting for either of them is beyond ridiculous.

I was never a fan of Obama—though I applaud his charismatic speeches and his beautiful, adoring family. I find McCain revolting—but this is due to the fact that I do not respect the Republican party. I was a Clinton supporter from the start and soon became an Obama supporter, then changed to McCain, and then realized that they both do not represent the type of president I would like to see in office.

This election has turned into a joke—a mere popularity contest between two men who want to wow or change the world with the first woman VP and the first black president. I’m tired of everyone telling me to vote for Obama because he’s black and I’m sick of people saying to vote for McCain because he has a lot of experience.

To acquire more votes, McCain chose a woman VP—a perfect choice for the feminists who wish to see a woman in/around office. However, I’m pretty sure allegations of a pregnant seventeen-year-old daughter and abuse of power will cause those votes to dwindle. The woman terrifies me and that whole ‘pitbull‘ hooplah made me fear her even more. Heaven forbid this woman becomes our president when the old man chokes and dies—our country will be run by chauvinistic idiots who benefit from our turmoil. We’ll have a Palin administration in no time.

Obama also chose his VP—an old, white man by the name of Joe Biden. What can I say about this guy? Absolutely nothing. I feel like he doesn’t even exist. Did anyone else scream ‘what the fuck?‘ when they heard this?

Anyone see anything here? Both parties now seem pretty much the same. Two older, experienced, white males and two younger, inexperienced, controversial people.

I’m not one for Politics—but I’ve been following the election. There are a few things I want to see. I want to see the troops come back. I no longer want a war with unnecessary casualties. I want to see a balance between the rich and the poor. Healthcare and social security for the underprivileged. I want to see something done with the growing crimes rates in cities all over the country. Faster responses to disasters such as hurricanes and weather situations. Taxes down. Gay marriage should be allowed. I want a president who will acknowledge the environment as a significant part of our daily life.

I want something to be done. So far, we’ve heard speeches and words and promises of change, but will we see this?

My faith isn’t in either candidate, but this is only until one changes my perspective drastically. And I hope that happens soon. So far, it’s just a nasty battle between who wins, not who leads the people. This isn’t a movie—nor is this Hollywood—this is real and this is our country.

Let’s see what happens.

*No negative comments, please. This is my opinion. However, I do invite friendly banter and exchange of thoughts.

PS: Brushes, more stocks, and other resources coming soon!

Anyhow, I have to wake up at 6:45 to get Jordan up and at ‘em! And then around 8:00am, I could go back home or to bed or whatever. I’m pretty sure I’ll knock out as soon as I get home!

Life’s been pretty much repetitive—go to school, go to work, study, sleep, eat. Nothing much has been going on—except for a few things here and there.

Erika keeps going back and forth with Marine—who, sadly, is the most determined flirt that ever walked the planet—and I feel like she’s setting herself up for disaster. I know for sure she’ll get her heart broken this time—and lately, her heart’s been hurting, but it’s surely going to tear apart if she keeps this up. Her passion for him, her hope for him, it pains me to see it, especially after he’s done quite a number of flirting to me—notice how I said to me, not with me. I could never flirt with someone who my friend thinks of as a prospect.

He deceived her again—just recently. His promises of grandeur and passion and lust and love … they were all given to someone else and I could hear and feel the agony in her voice as she told me. Was Erika telling me this to inform me? Or was she trying to convince herself that what had happened wasn’t a dream? I didn’t know and I don’t think I ever will. I remember her telling met that her heart was hurting—literally, emotionally, mentally—and I couldn’t help but feel an anger towards him.

Am I right in this? Did I have a plausible reason to hate him? I think so, but every man has his options—and Erika was one of them at one point. But that was all she was—a choice, an option, a checkbox—and he had already checked her on the list … and now it’s time to move on.

I wonder if she’ll ever realize this. I wonder if she’ll ever look at him and see that never-ending string that ties her to him—and when he needs her—all he needs to do is tug and she’s sent his way.

Who knows? Maybe the naivety that consumes her will control her until she breaks. And I’ll be there to pick up the pieces.

*Added more brushes—a lot more, actually. Pretty much an overload.

Lipstick Brush Stamps

Doodle Cutouts Brush Stamps

Geometry Line Cutouts Brush Stamps

Circle Cutouts Brush Stamps

Lines & Love Brush Stamps

EDIT, EDIT: Just added another layout of Gemma Ward! Can be seen in the layouts section!

EDIT: Just added about nine magazine stock cutouts! Very clear and high quality, so enjoy!

I know it hasn’t been long since I last updated, but I have a great reason this time! I just uploaded two sets of brushes - one made with nail polish, the other with discarded mascara—and I have a lipstick brush set on the way! Along with some doodles and magazine stocks! Tons of resources for you guys!

I also coded one free layout of Emmy Rossum—which you can have customized to your liking, just please use the contact form. I don’t allow downloading off the site with layouts. It’s a lot more confusing than just simply customizing it to YOUR website and emailing the files!

Anyhoo, all the resources are below the cut!

Nail Polish Brush Set

Mascara Brush Set

Above is the newest layout and only layout as of now—please read instructions carefully on the layouts section of the visitors page before attempting to order this in the contact form.

Anyhoo, will be updating with more resources and content soon!

I’m so happy I switched from Cutenews to FanUpdate - I was getting so much spam from Cutenews and there was nothing to stop it. Well, I could’ve installed a captcha manually, but I figured FanUpdate would be so much easier, and it was! I wasted a few dollars hiring someone to install Cutenews, but it’s okay! I tried it out and didn’t like it, so that’s fine.

So, my schedule is as followed:

Monday: Math, English, & Philosophy
Tuesday: Greek
Wednesday: Math & English
Thursday: Greek
Friday: None
Saturday: Humanities

Humanities was extremely interesting. Our professor informed us that he doesn’t like giving us papers and that our projects are more experienced based. One of our assignments if to experience meditation, acupuncture, or yoga, and write about how we felt and what it was like. I love meditating, so I think I’ll find somewhere around here that does that.

Anyway, I’m still doing a massive construction on the site! I’ve added a few more beauty tutorials as well as web tutorials. I just recently bought an all-in-one printer, so I finally have a scanner! I’ll be making tons of brushes over time, but please don’t rush me, I’m still in school and am still working full-time.

I’ll post tons and tons of brushes, layouts, and other things soon! I promise.

Also, I’m putting up some free layouts, coded and uncoded—for free. Usually, I charge for premades on my design site, but these will be free for you visitors!

My writing site will go up once the lovely, Jade, finishes up my layout for me! I must admit, her premades are gorgeous! That includes this beautiful layout you see here!